I was sitting in an empty Lansdowne Road when the goal posts suddenly burst in to flames and an Angel of the Lord spoketh to me, “God hath sent his Angel upon thine and has delivered his word. The third and final testament of the Bible.

“Take your shoes off, for you are upon holy ground…Umm, on second thought, those feet are far from holy, keep them on.”

The Book Of BOD – The greatest story ever told

Chapter one, THE ADORATION OF IRISH RUGBY

1In the beginning was BOD, and BOD was with God, and BOD was God. 2By BOD was he known; and also the Blessed BOD; BOD the greatest ever, BOD the beloved and BOD I want to have your babies.

3He was the only begotten Son of the father…Frank who himself preached in thine temple upon Lansdowne Road on two occasions. And Frank was the brother of Barry, who preached four times in thy holiest of Irish places. 4God made BOD’s skin devoid of all markings, for he was the Word made flesh: lithe, hairless, twink-y flesh.

5Now there was an agent of God, i.e. an Aussie, whose name was Williams, Williams the Coach; an exile from the tribe of the ARU. 6He was not BOD; indeed he had no talent whatsoever; he was an overgrown child named for a replacement because there was no one better at the time.

7But he had by providence viewed upon a vision of him performing his first miracle: turning Denis Hickie into a half decent player. 8And whilst beholding the vision Williams the Coach was overcome, and drooled into his coffers, career-furthering prophet speaking: 9“Lo, I come to usher in a new age, for an angel have I seen, a child of the land of Leprechauns, Shamrocks and Brian McFadden.”

10The Lord has favoured him with potatoes, brogues and dimple-ponds recessed in cheeks smoother than vintage Sam Cooke. 11And so I say, prepare ye the way of the BOD; for he will be one with the cleats of whose Adidas that I will be unworthy to unscrew. 12And his followers will be as numerous as the grains of sand in the ocean, and equally responsive to reason.

13And his face shall grace myriads of Gillette ads; and his dreams shall emit “the best a man can get”. 14And like a dove he shall tweet messages of peace, upcoming games, training, injuries and new products his sponsors have given upon to thine.

15He was sent down to earth, for the one time, to spread thy love of thyne rugby, which is all that matters, rugby is love. 16“This is a stepping stone to bigger things hopefully. We’ll celebrate it tonight.”

Chapter two, The Birth of BOD

1Now, the Mother of BOD was general practitioner Geraldine; 2general practitioner Geraldine was born into great sorrow and had known much hardship in her young life. 3She had experimented with the juice of the vine, and the leaves of the hyssop, and the bounty of the ill-monitored outlet store.

4Already had she suffered a grievous amount of woe when, at 23, she became pregnant with child via immaculate conception. 5It was then the Lord told her in a dream that she had been chosen as the earthly vessel by which men would know everlasting BOD-itude. 6And from then on Geraldine devoted herself to God, under the thoroughly reasonable assumption that to His secret will, she was now 100% privy.

7There were many who encouraged Geraldine to rid herself of her womb-fruit, saying, “He will be over-rated” and “It will only look like he’s so good because Ireland are so shyte”. But Geraldine refused. 8On the day of his birth there was no room at the inn; luckily there was room at a hospital; “St. Joseph’s,” in fact – how’s that for irony.

9And there were other momentous signs on that day; for Geraldine was visited by three drunk men, who travelled to her from Cork. 10And more astonishing still, a great star rose in the East and blazed brightly in the heavens; the sun, to be specific. 11Then God, disguised as an obstetrical team from Dublin, delivered unto us a child on January 21, 1979 – a date henceforth to be known as BODmas.

12Geraldine raised the baby rugger, and from his infancy his talent was manifest to her; for he ran, stepped and pooped; yea, a triple threat. 13Sportingly inclined, he did teach himself the Gaelic, and football, and athletics, and synchronised swimming; but with the rugby ball did he grow familiar. 14(For he was an Irishilite; and thus Gaelic was as dear to him, as futbòl to a Brazilian, or kangaroo-boxing to an Australian.)

15And it came to pass that, when the BOD neared the age at which he would be considered a man in certain religions, 16the Lord directed Geraldine to record pictures of BOD through a lens darkly, then unto his devoted server upwardly load them. 17In this manner did BOD attract the attention of Williams the Coach, and many others besotted by his divine play and Irish charm.

18And Williams told her that with his help BOD’s light would not hide under a bushel, but reach full synergistic mega-potential, bushel-wise. 19Where upon Geraldine the good Christian fell to her knees, and sobbed, and offered up a chant of lamentation unto the Lord.

20“God, I gave him to you.

You could send me a Christian man,
A Christian team!
21“God, you don’t want this good Christian kid
To be Ulster’s man,
Dost thou?” (Lamentations 20:08)

22In this manner she most zealously kvetched, until her heart was softened towards Williams through the counsel of her church elders. 23For they saw that, though forever outcast from the kingdom of heaven, when it comes to rugby stuff, the Aussies know what they’re doing.

Chapter three, THE COMETH OF THE DEBUT

1So BOD and Geraldine fled south to the city too busy to hate him; for greater love hath no man, than to lay down his talent for his fans. 2And word of his greatness quickly spread, and he soon gained the first of his disciples, Gatland, the coach. 3Verily:, no one hath coached quite as long as Gats.

4Eleven other disciples quickly joined him forming a crew of mad devotion, until BOD had twelve apostles who together formed his apossee. 5And these were the members of his apossee: Gats, Michael Cheika, Gordon D’Arcy, the brothers Kearney; 6Bono, President Higgins the midget, 7Ray D’Arcy, Keith Wood, Nicky Byrne the pubeless, Ronan Keating and Jamie Heaslip.

8And now was BOD released unto the world, to make his debut; where he soared like unto a pure white dove over a sea of blackness. 9And the dove rose swiftly through the firmament, ascending ever higher; being nominated for IRB player of the year – thrice; 10And yea as he desired the awards, he gave in not to temptation and became humble;11he would, during his ministry whilst wandering the earth spreading his word and merch.

12And with their graceful running, purposeful fends, glorious step and breath taking defence, BOD conquered the world. 13It was not his looks, or his marketing, or his cunning manipulation of new media paradigms; no; with BOD, it was all about the rugby.

14And his message spread like wildvirus; and crowds gathered from cubits around to hear his teachings, and bask in the aura of his glory. 15For oft would he fly onto the hallowed field in the green of the Irish and sometimes the red of the Lions, like an angel emerging from heaven’s grace. 16Yea, just as Moses lifted up the snake in the wilderness, so did the BOD lift up the spirits of all those who BODlieved in him.

17For God so loved the world, that he sent his only begotten BOD, that whosoever follows him shall feel proud and shed a tear at his touch or sound of his voice.

18And now Satan came to tempt him; and injured thy holy shoulder forty days and forty nights; which made him hungry for more rugby. 19Then he tempted BOD’s soul, saying, “If thou art so skilled at playing rugby, turn this old Stones song into Bread.” 20But the BOD’s manager said, “Pass.” 21Then Satan took him to the pinnacle of Viacom and said, “If thou art so loved, cast thyself down into some crappy Nickelodeon movie.” 22But the BOD’s manager said, “Pass.”

23Then Satan showed him all the kingdoms of the world and said, “All these will I give you, if you bow down and worship me.” 24But the BOD himself said, “No thanks, I’m getting them anyway. But bow down and worship ME, and thou shalt receive an autographed jersey” 25Whereupon Satan bowed before him, and hailed him as the new king.

Chapter four, THE SURMON ON THE FIELD

1And yea it was written, the tomato shal be cast from thy fruit salad; thus BOD’s first, and only commandment;2“Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; 3Wisdom is knowing not to use it in a fruit salad.”

4“It was a performance that had been coming for a while and it does not shock me all that much. 5When the pressure came on we produced the goods and we can take great satisfaction from that”; 6To produce thy good whilst under pressure is to be BOD. Because BOD was of pressure and pressure was his kin.

7“This is a stepping stone to bigger things hopefully. 8We’ll celebrate it tonight. We needed the performance we’ve been talking about this week for the whole of the Six Nations and to put it in to win the Triple Crown feels good.” 9And thus BOD claimed the Tripple Crown and wore it as his own. Casting thy false Kings into the abyss of the ERC.

10And against thy Italianites we steppeth it up; 11“It’s gone, OK? I’ve got a little bit better and sharper with each game back. I hope with the Italy game I will step up to another level.”

12“Was I speared? I think so. Slam-dunked is probably the expression which sums it up best,” 13And he was, against thy land of thy heathen sheep shaggers of the south. 14BOD did not whine, did not seek thy attention of thy devine whistle blower or thy flag waver; but continued to play. 15For the heathen sheep shaggers need to know they cannot stop him, they cannot keep the body and the word down. 16BOD is good.

Chapter five, THE GOOD SEMI-ENGLISHWOMAN

1Now as BOD’s fame grew, there were many who came to hate him. 2There were those who saw him as a malignant rugby tumor metastasizing into a global soul-cancer gnawing away at the innards of thy art. 3There were those who saw him as the living refutation of the idea of God, as proof the fabric of the cosmos contained no weft of justice.

4And there were those whose thoughts were less formed, and simply fantasized about kicking him in the testicles over and over again. 5Yea, there were haters; for it has always been true, that haters gonna hate; but the BOD paid them no mind. 6And when his doubters slapped his upper cheeks, he turned unto them his lower ones, and kindly invited them to lay their lips thereupon.

7Yet there was no cessation of his miracles; his good works were as numerous as the cameras invariably on hand to record them. 8He visited the sick, and failed to heal them; he gave half his testimonial money to the house of the sick to allow them to rebuild a ward. 9And he gave conspicuously to charity; and rid the world of lonely girls one at a time; and was just, like, the best guy EVER, prob’ly.

10Now there was a young maiden named Huberman, of beauty and virtue, a child of the grand prairie, whose father came from the English-Polish tribes; 11In rank paganism had she lost her way, and for four years practiced dark sorcery in the temple of the ‘The Clinic’. 12But BOD saw in her a kindred spirit, who like him had been chosen from youth to be a shining star unto their adoring followers.

13And they were happy together; with her did he know true contentment; honestly, for she love shoes; she seems alright. 14And onto them God blessed them with a child, a baby born of the semi-Englishwoman. 15A holy Angel visited them and announced the child is to be called Sadie. It was good.

16And at thy wedding, a servant came up to BOD and said unto him, “All thy booze at the open bar has been drunk, for we are Irish, and doth hast no limit to our thirst”; 17To which BOD took no haste, instead, ordered his servant to fetch jugs of water. 18BOD layed his hands upon the water and before the eyes of thy wasted party goers, turned the water into whiskey. 19Whiskey not matched in taste or quality, that hast ever been tasted before. 20So smooth and good, not even Solomon’s whiskey in all its glory can mess you up more.

Chapter six, THE LAST LIONS GAME

1And now began the Passion of the BOD. 2A bright star once brought news on Christmas Eve; now, on a September day over 2,000 years later, the star also brought news: “The 2013-14 season will be my last”; 3“I’m deeply honoured”; thus did he proclaim, and he shall reign for ever and ever.

4Over the next weeks he prepared himself for the ordeal to come; in a Lenten display, he entirely deprived himself of deprivation. 5As the time of his great testing drew near he took leave of his mother, solemnly instructing her not to look under the bed while on his last Lions tour.

6On July 22, BOD and his entire apossee, asses all, made their triumphal entry into the unholy city of Brisbane. 7(It is unholy, for to venture into it is to harrow hell, it being the earthly capital of all things shoddy, life-destroying and humid.) 8BOD arrived there on what is now known as Palm Saturday; for it was Saturday, and Brisbane has palm trees, so, there you go.

9He was first seen early in the evening, borne on thy teams wings to the now-sacred spot known as Brisbane International Airport. 10Though weary, he had no rest; for his apossee hastened him quickly on to training paddock; whereupon he got his swerve. 11And here too did he drink of his balm; for, like many Jewish elders before him, he had arrived in Queensland with swollen joints.

12From thence did he travel to “Suncorp Stadium”, where many lowly women, bereft of clothing, sought his companionship. 13And hath did he play. And performed, what many consider his final miricale, of casting down thy Gentile Beale. 14Making thy patch of earth under his feet move and thus falling short of the glory of kicking the match winning goal.

15The next morning he ate with Gatland, the Wales-based coach who would soon betray him; frenchèd was their toast. 16There ensued an afternoon recovery session with some frankincense massages; then another evening rainmaking session with a glass of myrrh. 17They laughed all through hashed Saturday, when BOD visited a park known as ANZ stadium in thy city of Sydney.

18Where he inspired another miracle, the raising of Folau. For Folau was a great giant in the land of the Australianites; 19Be a man with talents of almost par with BOD himself. 20Upon viewing a prophet, George of the North being harassed by the giant Folau, for He instructed thus; 21“Rise up Folau. George of the North, put him over your shoulder” and thus the Lord bestowed great strength upon George of the North 22and Geroge of the North mustered this strength and raised Folau to the heavens and ran.

23To the roaring fire-worker; the dark-horsed Jezebel of the head coach. 24And he wove baskets with a tawny disciple, who for pity’s sake gifted him a compliment, so that BOD might blush.

25That night, BOD assembled his apossee one last time. 26He took a slab of beer, and poured it out, and apportioned it, and gave it to his disciples, saying, “Drink, for this is my booze.” 27Then he took a baked potato, ripped it appart, gave it to them and said “eat, for this is my food.” 28After doing these things, he was troubled in spirit, and testified, “Before the night is over, one of my cara’s will betray me.”

29“It’s not me” said David Kearney, “but this is a lovely table cloth”; 30“Nor will it be I” announced Rob Kearney, “Like Dave, I too will tweet about the quality of thy cloth of the table, and I also enjoy the stitch work in your jacket tonight. Is it Italianite wool?” 31And every apostle in his turn said “Its not I”, except Gats; who looked away.

32He was staring at the prolific nether bounty of BOD’s new consort, 26-year-old player and self-described “deep thinker” Jamie Roberts. 33Talk about ass-coveting.

Chapter seven, THE CRUCIFIXION

1Now the Melbourne public longed to see the fall of BOD, for they were still smarting over the defeat BOD’s Irish team dealt out to the Australianites in thy holy Rugby World Cup two years prior. 2So they consort with Gats to remove him on any pretext, yea, even one so flimsy as the return of Jamie Roberts.

3And that night they watched as BOD and Gats approached, driving Lambs before them; Gats’ red, humble BOD’s the color of conviction. 4Then Gats rejoined BOD; and when he saw him he was suddenly taken by a buried impulse, and kissed him on the lips. 5And the BOD was all, “What was that for?”; and Gats was all, “I don’t know, guess I thought you was a sheep, know what I’m sayin’?”

6And BOD was overcome with the force of his epiphany about the true nature of the long-simmering subtext of their interpersonal dynamic. 7BOD was bitterly disappointed. 8It was weird; plus his father was with him; not his heavenly father, but his earthly one, the one of twice preaching at thy Landsdowne Road.

9So BOD, to escape this anxiety, and so as not to look like a queero or something, sped off on his high performance donkey rental. 10Then his apossee, with the clear-headed humility characteristic of all their actions, blocked the public street from the public. 11And BOD and Gats began racing down the road, literally dragging their destinies with them; rebels without an effect.

12And the officials of the state caught up with them quickly; and when they pulled BOD over, and his apostle, Jamie Heaslip let loose one final word; “I’m pissed off with you Gats”. 13To which BOD added; “I’m deeply resentful to Gats, he’s off my Christmas card list”. 14So the BOD was dropped for the final Lions test at thy holy MCG.

15So the Lions officials stripped him of his jersey, put him in a suit with a scarlet tie and fitted his head with a Lions tour cap of thorns. 16They put a rugby ball in his hands and sneered, “All hail the king of the midfield”. 17Then the media lined BOD up, took his photo, and could not photoshop out the disappointment. 18Disappointment we all felt.

19Then BOD relieved himself in a stadium trough, as if to say, “I pay no heed to thy numerous closed-circuit cameras; for blessed are the pissmakers.” 20And now arrived the media tormentors who formed the seven stations of the crush: BBC, FoxSports, Sky, Joe.ie, SuperSports, Setanta and TG4.

21And they surrounded the media conference, where he was brought to appear before the media relations officer, Pontius Pilate. 22Now it was the custom of all media relations officers to free one dangerous prisoner a day; and Pilate was working a serial-killer case. 23So he asked, “Which of the two shall I set free?” “The serial killer!” said the crowd. “But he murdered five hitchhikers!” said Pilate. 24“So have half the people in Australia,” replied the crowd.

25“Then what shall I do with the one who is called BOD?” said Pilate. “Crucify him!” replied the crowd. “Whuuuhhhh?!?” said Pilate. 26“Guys, we don’t really have any spare crucifixes in Australia; We’re full up crucifying Robbie Deans and Julia Gillard.” 27But the people has spoken “Crucify him!” so Pilate handed him back to the Lions management, and told him he was about to be crucified, and good luck.

28And now the authorities retrieved the emergency crucifyin’-cross they kept locked up with Rupert Mudoch just for occasions like this. 29And they made BOD carry it during his walk along Via Collins Street; and as he went the locals rainbow-flogged him. 30And to his followers he said, “BODlievers, weep not for me but yourselves and your children; for they’ll never get to see me preach in Melbourne.”

31Then they nailed his limbs to the cross, brought him to St Kilda beach, propped him on a lifeguard stand, and waited for Brian O’Driscoll to die.

Chapter eight, THE RESURRECTION OF BOD

1And he was taken down from the cross, by his loving fans. Placed in a seat on the Lions bench. Where 80 minutes later we witnessed a miracle. 2BOD rose from the bench in celebration with his beloved fans and apossee. For the team had won the series. 3And BOD preached, “all is forgiven, for I am the sacrifice to all players who get dropped. 4There are no hard feelings; oh, and Gats is back on the Christmas card list”.

5For five months, BOD’s fans seethed, and booed Gats. But BOD said, “fear not my friends, for I’m not angry nor vengeful. 6for Joe Schmidt will pick thine for the final matches in the reverend 6 Nations.” 7And BOD lead his team to win lift the cup and it was raised up unto the heavens. Where his apossee announced; “We barely recognise thee. 8If it wasn’t for the holes thine cheeks, we would have pass thee unknowingly.”

9BOD will be raised high unto the IRB Hall Of Fame, at the right hand of the father, William Webb Ellis, 10and the holy spirit(s); John Eales, Gareth Edwards, Wilson Whineray, Pierre de Coubertin and Danie Craven. 11Where he’ll overlook the game played in heaven as part of the holy retired greats.

12BOD prayer;

13Our BOD, who art in the Hall Of Fame, Hallowed by thy name.
14Thy trys will come, Thy games be won;
On mud, or snow or hard baked fields as it is on grass,
15Give us after the match thy holy beer,
And deliver us from our coaches wrath.
16 For the memories, the smiles, and the tears we share;
For ever and ever. Amen.

17Praise be to BOD.