Watching those in the land of the long white cloud defend their positions, at times it’s like watching a discovery channel documentary.
So, how do Kiwi bogans defend their blatant arrogance and bias? A question we have studied, and based on science we’ve come up with an answer.
When any given question gets posted on any given rugby page, the standard response from the New Zealand bogan is “Kiwi” or “All Blacks” as if they simply didn’t understand or even bother to read the question.
The Kiwi bogan, rare to find them with a full set of teeth
So now, put on your best David Attenborough voice as we take you through the defence mechanisms of the naive Kiwi.
1. Delete and deny, deny, deny
When you ask a normal question such as “how does typing ‘Kiwi’ or ‘All Blacks’ answer the question?” They’ll respond to their attacker with a shriek of nationalistic connotations in an attempt to attract other Kiwi’s to their defence.
This is designed to distract the pursuer in an attempt to make him pause, and look around to see what else is coming, while dragging more into the conversation. And even though you may be focusing your question at one person’s comments in particular, they’ll respond as if your talking to someone else or all, and act as if what they said never happened.
This defence move is one of noise and hope, hope that the predators cornering them won’t remember what the Kiwi said.
2. Give a slightly clarifying remark that acknowledges there are some rational Kiwi’s out there
In a dace between life and rugby argument death, this is where we see the threatened Kiwi placate the pursuers who shrilly yell something about overwhelming statistical evidence.
It almost sounds reasonable when a Kiwi claims those stats include information about matches not including the All Blacks and will duly give their own stats in return.
The Kiwi bogan lives for rugby arguments, as they rarely win any other
This effect on the pursuers is immediate. They pause in their chase, unprepared for this shock move of a Kiwi actually showing some logic. But one must remember when reading the Kiwi’s stats, the All Blacks don’t play the All Blacks either.
3. Go on full throttle attack
By this stage of the conversation, the Kiwi usually has assembled a small army of other Kiwi’s at their keyboard ready to jump in and distract the pursuers. Once the Kiwi realises he has the numbers on the thread, they will turn from attempting to create confusion to full on attack.
This strategy usually involves throwing more stats into the argument, even though the stats the pursuers previously gave have been completely disregarded, Kiwi’s seem to believe that any stats given by one of their kind carries more weight.
This is normally coupled with one Kiwi flinging the race card high and wide, claiming the pursuers hate Kiwi’s or must be racist somehow. While at the same time another Kiwi will jump to the conclusion that the pursuers are Aussie or English and throw out their own racist attacks (but if you point that out, it’s different when it‘s said by a Kiwi….somehow…).
One can easily tell when the debate has reached this point, it’s usually coupled with “HAHAHAHA” and/or laughter emoji’s.
Once at this point, all hope of any semblance of normal, reasonable conversation is gone. Next the pursuers can expect personal attacks and insults, which Kiwi’s call “banter” and the Kiwi bogan will claim that their “banter” is better than yours (serious note – that‘s not banter, it‘s abuse and it will not be tolerated on RBP).
It’s a bold and fascinating move, one that can only be pulled off when the Kiwi‘s pack is at full attention. One that’s designed to silence critics and hope they call off their pursuit.
4. Deliver the coup de grace
More and more Kiwi’s have now joined the thread, identifying that one of theirs is in trouble and there’s a possibility that – heaven forbid, a Kiwi loses an argument about rugby!
The Kiwi bogan display of full nationalistic pride. Regularly worn on Australia Day or when New Zealands playing a sport they may actually win (other than rugby and women’s shot put, I can’t think of any…)
In the animal kingdom, many creatures have unique defence mechanisms: Squids shoots ink, possums play dead, lizards change colour. But the Kiwi bogan is difference and will post an abundance of pictures with Richie McCaw holding trophies of many different varieties, hoping that these will form a smoke screen and allow the Kiwi to depart unseen.
Kiwi‘s seem to think that posting pictures makes them right. By doing so, it delays the pursuers giving them the opportunity to escape. But, after their showing of nationalistic pride and chest thumping, if you try to bring the conversation back to the original question, the Kiwi will either try to point out a previous answer that has nothing to do with the question or believe the original question to be irrelevant. And in doing so, mistakenly think they have won the argument, and the plucky Kiwi will escape to his nest (usually located in Australia, ironically enough) lined with All Blacks jerseys and shirtless pictures of Richie McCaw.
The rest of the world is left in state of unanswered confusion, usually mouthing the words “what a pack of douches”.
In our next episode of Kiwi’s in the wild, we find out what happenes when the Kiwis reject one of their own. A small frightened Russell Crowe out on the run from progressive thinkers and people with actual talent alike. Thrilling stuff.
